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Sunday, June 19, 2005

"There's something special about it being so big. I love it."

In a society where bigger is better, the latest limousine is in a category all its own. The gargantuan Hummer H2 is more than 30 feet long and can seat about 20 people, dwarfing classic limo models. The massive machines are all the rage, from the Viper Room nightclub in Los Angeles to the Salt Water Grille in South Portland.

The move toward stretch SUV limos began about six years ago with Ford Excursions, Cadillac Escalades and Lincoln Navigators. The Hummer H2 raised the bar for bling when it rolled onto showroom floors a couple of years ago.

Sales peaked last year and SUV limos remain as popular as ever, McLean said.

In Maine, Lilley's Limousine was first to buy one of the Hummers, which cost $115,000 — nearly twice the cost of a sedan-based limo.

Lilley's Hummer is 32 feet long — double a regular Hummer's length — and it's wide enough to have a center aisle with seating on either side. The result: It can seat up to 20 people. Other versions of the Hummer limo can seat even more.

"It's a beast. It's definitely a beast," said Dan DeCosta, one of the Lilley's owners. Gas mileage also is beastly: 8 miles per gallon.

And people wonder why I have great difficulty feeling anything other than hatred towards the human race. Perhaps "hate" might seem a strong word to use, but how else can one feel about a people who so giddily celebrate such absolute waste and excess?

I might feel a little better if these "beasts" were being used to transport disabled children to the zoo, or picking up homeless folks for a ride to a soup kitchen; at least then there would be some kind of benefit. But no, rather than improving someone's quality of life, massive amounts of resources are expended... for what? The sole purpose of giving overprivileged insufferable teenaged suburban fuckwits an opportunity to feel superior to their peers for five minutes?

I can only hope that when they're all at their twenty-year high school reunion, and the conversation topic turns to complaints over the outrageous fuel costs that will surely be crippling our economy by then, some anonymous former-classmate--remembering their prom-night grandstanding--will shout at them from the back of the room: "Eight goddamn miles per gallon, you motherfuckers!"

It's when I see stuff like this that I wonder: What would Bill Hicks say?

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